4 Ways to Keep Your Bridesmaids Happy

If you want a happy wedding, don't piss off your bridesmaids before the big day

Wedding planning would have been horrible if I had not have had such an amazing group of bridesmaids who loved me and who genuinely had my best interest at heart. If you’re in the beginning stages of planning and you haven’t picked your bridesmaids yet, listen up! It’s really important to not put anyone in your wedding who does not want your wedding to be awesome, who is a low-key hater or who may have feelings of jealousy toward you and may or may not really care if things blow up in your face.

Once you have your squad set, it’s important to remain empathetic toward them throughout the process. You love these girls enough to ask them to stand before you and your hubby in the sight of God while you make your vows, so you probably want them to still be friends with you after your wedding.

Agreeing to be in a wedding party is a sacrifice. Here are a few ways to make things a little less stressful on them:

1. Communicate

I created a Facebook group for my bridesmaids. This was a huge factor in unifying my bridesmaids and keeping in touch as a group once things got going. They were able to exchange contact info and I was able to keep them updated about happenings as much as possible. Communication in whichever way you choose is extremely important throughout the planning process. It’s frustrating in any type of planning situation where no one knows what’s going on.

2. Let them pick out their own dress

Unless your bridal party consists of women who are all the same height, weight and shape (clones), it will be difficult to find one dress that is flattering on all of them. We as women also tend to have unique things about our bodies that are not our favorite and that we don’t feel comfortable having on display.

Keeping in mind that we’re all different, I let my girls pick out their own dresses. I chose the designer, fabric and color and they picked which style they wanted. That way, they were not spending money on a dress that they hated and I wasn’t to blame if they picked out a style that was unflattering for their body type.

3. Keep in mind that everyone is working with different budgets

Weddings are expensive. Being in a wedding is expensive. Even being a guest at a wedding is expensive. I tried to keep this in mind with everything I did. A lot of times, your bridesmaids are having to pay for things other than their dresses, such as travel costs, pitching in for the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, shoes, jewelry, makeup, hair — the list goes on — and it’s all for YOUR big day. That’s a sacrifice. Love them for it and try to keep the costs down in as many ways as you can.

4. Don’t be mean

Even if you’re the nicest bride that you can be, someone at some point is going to let you down/piss you off before it’s all said and done. It’s OK because you’re also gonna fall short of perfection before it’s over (this was the day before my wedding for me). The good news is that if you’ve picked the right bridesmaids, then they’re more like your sisters. You get annoyed with each other and then you get over it. If you’re grown enough to get married, then you’re grown enough to handle disagreements like an adult. This may even mean apologizing for things sometimes when you really haven’t done anything to apologize for. I believe that scripture about peacemakers being blessed. Handling negative situations with grace will only work for you and never against you.

Besides, things are so much more fun when you have all your girls together and everyone is at peace. Getting ready on my wedding day surrounded by all the women that I love was my second favorite moment of my wedding, after saying “I do.” I cried a little each time I looked around and took in those moments surrounded by the women who have my heart and who I know have my back no matter what.

How To Not Hate Being a Bridesmaid

Do these 6 things to not hate being a bridesmaid

The first couple of times you’re asked to be a bridesmaid, you may treat your newfound role as something you accept with open arms and bottles of champagne. But the more and more times you say yes to the bridesmaid dress, the more times you may start to resent, even dislike, being a bridesmaid.

The role of being a bridesmaid is well-known for how expensive, time-consuming and even stressful it can be. By the eighth time I was a bridesmaid, I started to wonder why I wasn’t getting paid to take on a role that suddenly started to feel like it was a part-time job.

So in order to find yourself walking down the aisle with a smile on your face, let me help you not totally and utterly despise being a bridesmaid.

1. Set a budget

One of your first frustrations with your stint as a bridesmaid will be how much cash you’ll find yourself depositing in the upcoming wedding. Before I say yes to the bridesmaid dress and role, I plan out a budget. I list out how much I can spend on this wedding, and then I pinky promise myself I’m going to stick to it. That way, I won’t get mad at myself, the maid of honor or the bride for how much this wedding adventure will cost.

2. Get on the bride’s good side

Remember, being a bridesmaid is all about being Team Bride. So be sure to be there as a supportive friend and force for the bride-to-be. Avoid showing up to pre-wedding events late or taking two weeks to respond to an email. Getting through the wedding without tension between you and the main character of the event is key. You know what they say: happy bride, happy bridesmaid.

3. Don’t get sucked into all things wedding

After weeks and months of taking on unlimited bridesmaid duties, you may start to feel like you’re the one planning the wedding and getting married. Keep a healthy balance of personal time and wedding time so you don’t find yourself burnt out, stressed out or just going out of your mind.

4. Stay off Pinterest

You’ll find yourself spending every ounce of your free time pinning things on Pinterest you otherwise would never care about. Save yourself from a premature wedding pinning addiction by putting a moratorium on your Pinterest account and only forwarding the bride a maximum of seven wedding-related ideas, articles or tips a week.

5. Say no when you want

Get vocal when you can’t attend or afford something. Being passive and shelling out cash you don’t have will only make you resent the bridal party and the bride, leaving you with a less-than-pleasant wedding experience. Whenever I had an issue as a bridesmaid, I would find a lighthearted and easy way to say how I felt and even bring to the table a backup plan or suggestion.

6. Get buddy-buddy with the other bridesmaids

Whether you like it or not, these girls will be your teammates throughout the wedding experience. You’ll rely on each other to be peacekeepers, party starters and even just each other’s sanity. Get to know the other members of the bridal party before the wedding, so that on the day-of you have backup and support to push the day forward and the bride down the aisle.

Wedding Budget: Where To Save And Where To Splurge

As you’re making these decisions, feel free to use this budget tool to track all your wedding spending.

SPLURGE: WEDDING DRESS

 know some people will disagree, but I am a firm believer in going ALL out on your wedding dress. All eyes will be on you, and this is your time to shine! Don’t hesitate to ask for modifications to your dream dress, work with a designer to custom make the perfect dress for you, or even buy more than one dress! My experience working with Jean Ralph Thurin and his team to create my custom wedding dress was more than worth it. I went into the shop several times before the big day to adjust measurements and tweak the design, and we were able to work within my budget to make all my dress dreams come true.

SAVE: FLOWERS & DECOR

Flowers & decor can easily add up to be one of the most expensive line items in your wedding budget. While hunting, we were quoted rates from $2,500 – $12,000! Unless you’re the kind of person who buys flowers regularly and can tell the difference between species, you probably don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on wedding flowers. I’ve never been to a wedding and remembered what kind of flowers were in the centerpieces – guests simply don’t care. To keep costs down, consider using candles (these gold ones are from Ikea!), greenery, lanterns, or vases. You can also buy wholesale flowers and do some of the decor yourself.

SPLURGE: VENUE

While guests probably won’t remember your decor, they will remember your venue’s ambiance and customer service. When venue hunting, pay just as much attention to the personalities of the staff and owners. All it takes is for a guest to have a bad experience at the valet, coat check, or when making a last minute request for a vegetarian dinner to taint their memory of your big day. We chose our venue because the staff was incredibly accommodating of our various needs: multiple ceremonies, outside food, tons of space for guests, and extended hours!

SAVE: ACCESSORIES

I was SO close to buying a pair of Louboutins for the wedding, I had them on my Pinterest board for over a year! Last minute, I decided to buy two pairs of shoes that were combined $600 cheaper than the red bottoms. And guess what I was wearing by the end of the night? $10 fold up flats that no one could see beneath my dress! If you’re like me and will kick off your shoes to dance, don’t splurge on an expensive pair. For the wedding at least… I fully support splurging on shoes in general!

SPLURGE: MAKEUP

Rather than drop extra money on shoes or jewelry, invest in a makeup artist that will create a flawless look for you. You’ll want to look glam in real life as well as pictures and video, so it’s important to book someone who specializes in bridal makeup, and not just your friend who posts great makeup selfies on Instagram. While their work has to be stellar, their personality and professionalism should be too, as they’ll be the person in your face seconds before you walk down the aisle.

SAVE: CAKE

Another thing that your guests probably won’t care about is the cake. As long as it takes good and doesn’t run out, you’re good! I’ve seen some pretty impressive cake displays on Pinterest, but we didn’t think it was worth spending extra money on a part of your wedding that will take up maximum 3 minutes. That doesn’t mean your cake should be boring. We had a cake included in our catering package, but worked with the bakery to switch up the design to something classic, asked our decorator to add a few flowers, and topped it off with a simple topper to make it special.

SPLURGE: FOOD

While the cake doesn’t matter, the food does. People come to weddings expecting great food, so make sure your catering is top notch. One of the comments we continue to hear about our wedding is the abundance of food at the cocktail hour! This came in handy because our dinner actually came out a bit late, but no one cared because they were already full from cocktail hour.

SAVE: MUSIC

I had this really lofty dream of having a fairly new artist sing his melodramatic song as I walked down the aisle. Those dreams quickly dissipated after his manager quoted us $5,000! Do you know what I walked down the aisle to? The same song. Playing through the speakers. And it felt no different! Because music is not about the artist, but about the emotion it evokes. Even if you can afford to have Adele perform at your wedding, trust me, all the attention and talk would be about her, and not you and your spouse! Instead of live music, we just had our DJ (which we found at one of our favorite clubs) play our desired songs, and a friend lead the hymns during the ceremony.

SPLURGE: UNIQUE ELEMENTS

While people don’t care about the details, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t incorporate unique and interesting elements into your wedding. They don’t have to be expensive, but you should definitely “splurge” on thinking about how you can make sure your personalities are reflected in your wedding! We incorporated our African culture in various ways in our wedding, from the music, to the food, to even what we wore.

Designer Spotlight: Pantora Bridal

Brooklyn based designer, Andrea Pitter, specializes in beautiful and glamorous wedding gowns. She even designed three dresses for her own wedding day.  

Pantora Bridal, known for modern textiles and classic silhouettes; combining contemporary flare and a glamorous edge, transforming those key components into the perfect wedding ensemble.

Andrea has developed an approach that is designed to accommodate even the most discerning of clients. She works closely to develop each concept, creating a unique custom experience.

Pantorabridal.com

7 Things You Should Never Ask Your Bridesmaids

Avoid the bridezilla tag by treating your bridesmaids right

But there are some things a bride should never ask her bridesmaids to do. We're taking serious bridezilla territory here.

1. Change how you look

A bridesmaid revealed on Reddit recently that the bride had asked her to dye her hair because her ginger tresses were too "attention-grabbing." The demanding bride wanted her to make them a "natural brown" to fit in with the other bridesmaids. We can only echo the views of hundreds of Reddit users who told this bridesmaid to stand her ginger ground.

A bride who asks her bridesmaids to change their physical appearance in any way (whether the request is to drop a few pounds before the wedding, cover up tattoos or change their hair color) needs a serious reality check. Brides don't get a veto over every aspect of their bridesmaids' appearances. It doesn't matter if the bride is willing to pay for the dye job/personal trainer/plastic surgery.

2. Not change how you look

Equally, a bride can't ask her bridesmaids not to change their physical appearance. Most maids would probably wait until after the wedding to get that huge shoulder tattoo or bleached-blonde buzz cut. But if someone decides they absolutely have to make that radical change, the bride just has to go with it. Bridesmaids are chosen for their loyalty and friendship, not for how they look.

3. A bridal shower to end all bridal showers

If a bride wants a bridal shower worthy of a Hollywood A-lister (with the budget to match), she has to plan and pay for it herself. Traditionally, bridesmaids organize the shower and meet the cost, so the bride gets what they can afford. Remember, it really is the thought that counts.

4. Ditto for the bachelorette party

The same rule applies to the bachelorette party. If the bride has her heart set on a week-long, no-expense-spared blowout in Vegas, that's fine — but if the maids can't afford it, she's gonna have to be happy with a smaller-scale do. Unless the bride wants to plan and pay for the whole thing herself, she has to hand the reins over to her bridesmaids and let them plan the guest list, decide on the location and arrange the activities based on their budget.

5. Not have an opinion on the bridesmaid's dress

It's the bride's big day, but if she wants happy maids, she has to let them have their say in what they are wearing. Hopefully, everyone will be on the same page, but if there are several bridesmaids, it can be tricky to find a style of dress that suits (and pleases) everyone. Everyone should have their say, and the bride should do her best to accommodate her maids' preferences — within the parameters of her chosen theme/colors, of course. Also, maids should always be consulted about budget before the bridal party even sets foot in the bridal store. A bridesmaid shouldn't have to max out her credit card to pay for an expensive dress.

6. Give up their own lives

Yes, it's the bride's day. The focus should be on her (and, hey, let's not forget the groom). It's natural for a bride to think about nothing else in the run-up to her wedding. But after the wedding is over, she's going to want to still have friends, so she needs to be a good friend herself. This means giving the wedding chat a break for a couple of hours to check in with the maids and find out what's happening in their lives.

7. Confront another bridesmaid who's not pulling her weight

Not all bridesmaids are created equal. Some will throw themselves whole-heartedly into the tasks assigned by the bride, while others will be less reluctant to sacrifice their free time to wedding-related assignments. But if a bride is pissed at one of her maids' lack of effort, it's up to her to deal with it, not pass the buck to another maid. Who wants in-fighting among bridesmaids? That doesn't bode well for a harmonious wedding day, and forced smiles never look good in photographs. If a bridesmaid doesn't seem enthusiastic about her role or isn't pulling her weight, the bride should speak to her directly, and never in front of the other maids.

7 Ways to Find the Right Officiant for Your Wedding

Initially, your grand wedding plan was to have your BFF get ordained online. But now, a few months out, you and your fiancé have decided that you’d actually prefer a bit more pomp and circumstance behind “I do.” But how do you begin the search for a wedding officiant outside of a traditional religious institution? Here, a super-handy guide.

FIGURE OUT THE TYPE OF CEREMONY YOU WANT

First things first: Nail down the expectations for what you and your fiancé want in your ceremony. Do you want it to be traditional or modern? Will there be any religious aspects? What about the length of time? (For example, you assumed “I do” would be short and sweet whereas your hubby-to-be wanted it to have a variety of readings.) Compare and contrast recent weddings you’ve attended—and family expectations—to be sure you’re on the same page.

THEN ASK AROUND FOR RECOMMENDATIONS

You’d be surprised: Your photographer (assuming you’ve booked one) can be a wealth of knowledge when it comes to the best local officiants to call upon. Think about it: In their line of work, they’ve seen it all. You could also consult a wedding planner or a friend or family member with a ceremony you loved.

OR READ REVIEWS

OK, so you struck out with personal recommendations. Google is another option, for sure. (Just search the name of your town, plus the word “officiant” and start wading through.) What’s most important here is that you read all the online reviews. You can’t trust all of them, that’s for sure, but it will give you a general sense of the person’s style/general vibe and you can go from there. (Bonus points if you can find a video reel of their work.)

INTERVIEW THEM BEFORE YOU BOOK

Your officiant typically receives an invite to the reception, so if you can’t imagine having a conversation with them later over a glass of wine, you probably want to search for someone else. Sure, they don’t have to be your BFF, but it’s important that you don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable around them.

AND MAKE SURE THEY’RE QUALIFIED TO SIGN YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE

Do some research (aka another Google search) to see who can legally marry you in your city and state (for example, NYC has different rules than New York state). Once you know what’s required, ask the officiant if he or she meets those standards. (In some situations, you might be required to get legally married elsewhere, like city hall.)

BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FROM THE CEREMONY

No matter who you hire, make sure you’re crystal clear about how you want your ceremony to go down. This includes anecdotes you want mentioned, how to pronounce family members’ names (that’s a biggie) and any phrases you’d prefer left out. Most officiants will talk you through what they’re going to say, but the more questions you ask—and restrictions you voice—the better.

AND ASK ABOUT THEIR EXPECTATIONS, TOO

Maybe your officiant double books weddings on the same day, so she needs things to run on time. Or she expects only a few miscellaneous family members outside of the wedding party present at the rehearsal. Just be sure you ask her about her needs, so you’re up to speed ahead of the actual ceremony. After all, the whole thing can’t really happen without her.