5 Compliments Men Hate Getting

You may think saying your husband looks cute trying to fix the lawn mower is music to his ears, but he’s hearing a different tune. Women’s words of praise can sit the wrong way with their spouses. Sometimes emotional responses, like frustration and excitement, creep into compliments and unintentionally wound guys’ pride. “When giving a compliment, put it in the best light possible to show you really appreciate him,” says Match.com relationship expert Whitney Casey. Here, experts dish on 10 compliments that could use a man-friendly makeover.

“It’s so sweet you want to help me clean up, but I can do it faster myself.”

While you may have certain chores down to a science, your man may not. Be gracious when he offers to ease the load, and don’t comment on his glacial pace. “We’re all guilty of it. You’ve had a long day and want things done as quickly as possible so you can relax,” says Casey. “But men hate feeling like they’re not good enough for you—and he’ll think you’re calling him slow with that comment.” Instead, use the extra time you spend on dishes to catch up on each other’s day. Above all, tell him you appreciate him wanting to help.

“I’m amazed you were able to fix the leaky faucet.”

Don’t act surprised when he pulls off a project without professional help. “Telling a man you’re ‘shocked’ by his capabilities is a huge hit to his self-esteem,” says Casey. “Men never want their wives to question their ultra-masculine abilities.” Try this: “Handsome, smart and handy? I knew I married a triple threat.” Nothing says you see him as a sexy stud more than complimenting multiple facets of his manhood at once.

“I fold the laundry this way, but thanks for trying without me asking.”

Nix “trying” from your complimentary vocabulary. “He thinks he’s done something great by pitching in, but that gets shot down quickly when he takes ‘trying’ as ‘it wasn’t good enough.’” Abandon your inner perfectionist and go with the flow. “It’s OK to have a specific way of doing things, but compromise instead of critiquing his efforts,” Casey says.

“You’re so cute!”

Your man would rather not be lumped into the same category as puppies and babies. “I’m not looking to be told my dimples are cute,” says Peter from Boston. “That doesn't exactly convey my rugged handsomeness.” Goldstein says, “‘Cute’ makes him seem like a little boy, which does a number on your couple chemistry.” Goldstein likes Peter’s alternative word: handsome. “People choose elementary words because they avoid deeper intimacy. Saying something underused like handsome really says, ‘I love you,’” she explains. 

“This gift isn’t quite my taste, but it’s the thought that counts.”

Tell him he’s thoughtful, yes. But even if the necklace he chose for Valentine’s Day is the last piece of jewelry you would’ve picked, stay mum. Speaking up says he doesn’t know you well enough. “It’s a total slap in the face,” says Goldstein. “He’ll end up not wanting to get you anything next time.” Acknowledge the generosity behind his present, and wear it sometimes. Before the next special occasion, though, point out the exact gifts you like at the store, so he’ll know what to get.

“I love your tummy flab!”

If you were raving about Ryan Gosling’s six-pack yesterday, your husband will hear mixed messages and won’t know what to believe. “Guys who spend that much time on their bodies can easily be more focused on themselves than their partners,” says Dr. Brosh, who suggests telling your husband that you prefer a man who’s a great partner and father than one with great abs. “This will let him know what's truly important to you,” and reassure him that he offers those things.

“You’re the best I’ve ever had.”

He wants to pleasure you in bed, but he doesn’t want to think about the men from your past. “You suddenly think of all these guys who’ve been there and done that,” says Matt* from Big Rapids, MI. To compliment his skill in the sack, be specific to this sexual experience with him. “Say, ‘I love how it feels when you...’” suggests Dr. Brosh. “Keeping it personal ensures that the focus is on the partner, not on some general comparison.”

Ways Your Marriage Should Evolve In Your 20s & 30s

Shared interests and values often bring couples together, and some things—like the need for romance and communication—remain the same no matter how long you’re hitched. But many others don’t—and shouldn’t. Encouraging changes in your marriage helps you adapt to each life stage with your spouse; ignore your relationship’s ebbs and flows and you risk breaking apart. Here, experts share how to conquer them as a couple.

 In Your 20s

Be More Open and Specific About Your Future

Before you get married, you may talk generally about where you’ll live, when you’ll have kids and how you’ll spend your money—and avoid bringing up goals on which your partner may not agree. But once you truly combine lives, you need to make more concrete plans. Don’t hold back about long-term hopes for fear he won’t be on board. For example, if you’d like to go back to school, and find yourself worrying about whether he’d support it, ask his opinion right away. If you don’t speak up, “the resentments will start," says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, CA. 

Address Conflicts Head On

Issues may arise early on, as you’re both used to doing things your way as singles. “Problems don’t self-correct; it takes discussing to get back on track,” explains relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women... Is Men. When you start each talk, “say, ‘I think we’re having this issue. Do you see it this way?’” suggests sex and relationship expert Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine in New York City and author of Becoming Real. It allows him to share his side so you can work on solutions together. 

In Your 30s

Focus on Enjoying Sex

By the time you reach your 30s, you finally know what you want in bed, so increase intimacy. “Kiss him passionately, like it's the last time you will, and make love as if to say, 'Without you, I may never be complete,’” suggests Orlando. Yes, you may need to carve out time for sex, but this shouldn’t be a burden. “Effort is what you put into things that you care about personally,” he explains.

Become Flexible with Your Plan

As kids enter the picture and careers change, you may find your and your spouse’s old dreams aren’t as important as they once seemed. “There’s no quick fix for dealing with changes” to your current course, says Dr. Saltz. If you want to make a major adjustment, sit down and reevaluate with your husband. “Say, ‘I know we had this plan, but I feel this way now,’” Dr. Saltz recommends. “Figure out what’s most crucial to each of you at this stage.” 

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