Ways Your Marriage Should Evolve In Your 20s & 30s

Shared interests and values often bring couples together, and some things—like the need for romance and communication—remain the same no matter how long you’re hitched. But many others don’t—and shouldn’t. Encouraging changes in your marriage helps you adapt to each life stage with your spouse; ignore your relationship’s ebbs and flows and you risk breaking apart. Here, experts share how to conquer them as a couple.

 In Your 20s

Be More Open and Specific About Your Future

Before you get married, you may talk generally about where you’ll live, when you’ll have kids and how you’ll spend your money—and avoid bringing up goals on which your partner may not agree. But once you truly combine lives, you need to make more concrete plans. Don’t hold back about long-term hopes for fear he won’t be on board. For example, if you’d like to go back to school, and find yourself worrying about whether he’d support it, ask his opinion right away. If you don’t speak up, “the resentments will start," says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, CA. 

Address Conflicts Head On

Issues may arise early on, as you’re both used to doing things your way as singles. “Problems don’t self-correct; it takes discussing to get back on track,” explains relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women... Is Men. When you start each talk, “say, ‘I think we’re having this issue. Do you see it this way?’” suggests sex and relationship expert Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine in New York City and author of Becoming Real. It allows him to share his side so you can work on solutions together. 

In Your 30s

Focus on Enjoying Sex

By the time you reach your 30s, you finally know what you want in bed, so increase intimacy. “Kiss him passionately, like it's the last time you will, and make love as if to say, 'Without you, I may never be complete,’” suggests Orlando. Yes, you may need to carve out time for sex, but this shouldn’t be a burden. “Effort is what you put into things that you care about personally,” he explains.

Become Flexible with Your Plan

As kids enter the picture and careers change, you may find your and your spouse’s old dreams aren’t as important as they once seemed. “There’s no quick fix for dealing with changes” to your current course, says Dr. Saltz. If you want to make a major adjustment, sit down and reevaluate with your husband. “Say, ‘I know we had this plan, but I feel this way now,’” Dr. Saltz recommends. “Figure out what’s most crucial to each of you at this stage.”